Sometimes it can be hard spending time around family during the holidays and feel like a mine field that you’re walking through holding your breath, just to avoid getting blown up by Grandma or Uncle Jack’s comments. Here are some tips for surviving the holidays with family while maintaining your sanity.
Video Summary:
The Escalation of Family Tensions
Holidays can be a tense time for some families when different beliefs, ideologies and life choices come colliding together at the same table. This can make a recipe for disaster in some families when those tensions escalate. If that happens in your family, here are some tips for surviving without losing your mind.
Tips For Surviving Family Disagreements
#1: Recognize when you’re hijacked/triggered
Things can’t escalate if you don’t build on top of them. So check yourself and if you’re getting upset about something, gently acknowledge that to yourself, without judgement, and then move to step 2.
#2: Create space
If you’re feeling hijacked, the first thing you need to do is to create some space so that you can cool down. That might mean removing yourself from the situation, getting up and going to the bathroom, stepping away from the table, etc.
Timeouts aren’t just for kiddos - give yourself an adult time out.
#3: Calm your system down
Try a deep breathing technique or a grounding technique to calm your system down. The last thing you need is to engage from a place of reactivity. Calm your system to you can make an intentional response rather than a knee-jerk reactive one.
#4: Come back and set a healthy boundary, have a conversation
When our opinions differ from our family, sometimes we need to set healthy boundaries and then have a conversation about the differences, so that even if you don’t end up on the same page, you can calmly agree to disagree without throwing insults at the other party. Try being curious about their point of view, rather than pointing your finger and telling them they’re wrong.
Last Resort for Dealing with Toxic Family Members: Vote with Your Feet
If they are not receptive, they are being racist, homophobic, sexist, or just downright insulting…it’s okay to cut your losses and leave. Sometimes that’s the healthiest thing you can do in a toxic situation.
Go create your own holiday traditions that feel nourishing to you, and don’t force yourself to be around people who don’t build you up.
Learn These Techniques In Person
If setting boundaries with your family or having difficult conversations feels hard for you, check out the link below to see if my stress management group is right for you.
We have a module dedicated to each of the tips covered in this video:
Creating awareness around triggers
How to calm your nervous system down when you’re hijacked
Managing conflict and setting boundaries in difficult situations
Those are just a sampling of the things that we're going to learn in the upcoming stress management group. If you're interested, check out the link below and fill out an application to see if group is right for you. I’d love to connect with you.
For more information on how individual psychotherapy or coaching can help support you in dealing with difficult family members or other conflicts in your life, check out the Individual Therapy & Coaching page.
